Sometimes the words don’t come

Neo: No mouth

Sometimes the words don't come...

One of the problems with mental health issues is that sometimes various symptoms cause a drastic change in personality features.  Take “poverty of speech” for example.

Once upon a time, I was a regular chatty CathyMy wife and I would drive and talk for hours (of course, the driving was when gas was a lot cheaper) about everything under the Sun.  We’d even talk about nothing in particular. That all changed when I came down with major depression.

I just, more or less, stopped talking.  I recall her once asking why I didn’t talk with her like I used to anymore, and the only answer that I could give is that “I don’t have much to say” which was honestly the case.  Where we would once drive through the Morton Arboretum and talk away for hours about anything and everything, I no longer had thoughts to back up conversation.

Notice that I said that the thoughts aren’t there.  That’s one of the possible symptoms of severe depression. The thoughts aren’t there, and the words don’t come. It is even hard to explain that there’s nothin’ in my noggin, especially since I had previously been such a thinker and talker. Even putting this down in words has taken me almost a full day to get together.

I wish it were different. In many ways, I’m not the same person that Kristen married back in 1998, thanks to the depression. I know that she misses the way that I used to be because of some offhand comments that she’s made over the years.  Recently, she commended that I “don’t talk to [her] like [I] used to” which is true.Believe me, I wish I did.  I miss being the man I was back then (mostly). But sometimes it seems like she resents the changes. I don’t blame her, she didn’t ask for me to change, but I did.

It’s not fair. I do my best. But I don’t feel that it comes across enough. 🙁



CC BY-SA 4.0 Sometimes the words don’t come by Geordon VanTassle is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

4 Responses to “Sometimes the words don’t come”

  • carlarenee45

    I hope you can get the correct meds that will free up your mind. Have you explained this to your wife or written it in a letter. She will understand if you are able to just try to help her

    • Geordon

      Thanks for the comment, Carla. I have been on the same psych cocktail for a couple of years, and it’s helped greatly, but some things just… Aren’t. I may mention it to the doc next time I get to see him, but I’m not sure when that will be, since I may be losing my job this week.

      One of the great things about me getting my AA in Psych was that I have a better handle on my own issues, and am better able to explain what’s happening than I was before. I also now have a way to relate to what’s going on in my head and know what’s relatively typical.

      Don’t get me wrong, my wife is actually my biggest anchor in the storm. She’s able to help me stay centered much better than I could alone, and I’m grateful for her. She’s amazingly understanding.

      • carlarenee45

        its so good that you have someone to hold on to whe n your mind is trying to tel you that everything is falling apart. Good luck on your Job. If you do losr it, I pray that another one will pop up soon.

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