Once upon a time, I was a regular chatty Cathy. My wife and I would drive and talk for hours (of course, the driving was when gas was a lot cheaper) about everything under the Sun. We’d even talk about nothing in particular. That all changed when I came down with major depression.
I just, more or less, stopped talking. I recall her once asking why I didn’t talk with her like I used to anymore, and the only answer that I could give is that “I don’t have much to say” which was honestly the case. Where we would once drive through the Morton Arboretum and talk away for hours about anything and everything, I no longer had thoughts to back up conversation.
Notice that I said that the thoughts aren’t there. That’s one of the possible symptoms of severe depression. The thoughts aren’t there, and the words don’t come. It is even hard to explain that there’s nothin’ in my noggin, especially since I had previously been such a thinker and talker. Even putting this down in words has taken me almost a full day to get together.
I wish it were different. In many ways, I’m not the same person that Kristen married back in 1998, thanks to the depression. I know that she misses the way that I used to be because of some offhand comments that she’s made over the years. Recently, she commended that I “don’t talk to [her] like [I] used to” which is true.Believe me, I wish I did. I miss being the man I was back then (mostly). But sometimes it seems like she resents the changes. I don’t blame her, she didn’t ask for me to change, but I did.
It’s not fair. I do my best. But I don’t feel that it comes across enough. 🙁